What'll I Do?

What'll I do when you are far away and I feel blue, what'll I do?
What'll I do when I am wond'ring who is kissing you, what'll I do?
What'll I do with just a photograph to tell my troubles to?
When I'm alone with only dreams of you that won't come true, what'll I do?


Those are the words of one of my most favorite songs that later on became the theme song of the film The Great Gatsby.  I love that song.  It reminds me of my life, which, come to think of it, was full of heartbreak. Some hearts, I broke.  Others broke mine.  We left a path cluttered with broken hearts so until one day I said, That's it!  No more heartbreak for me.  I am done with all that.

Then I decided to set up this blogspot and what do I see?  The scandals of my life, inaccurately written about, in the internet directory.   I wonder who wrote them.  I think they are probably young gays who love to gossip and don't care at all about accuracy.

So let me write about my own life then to straighten out the facts in the gossip.  In 1963, 48 years ago, I got married to Ramon Nakpil Tapales, Jr.  Then he was 28 years old and I was only 18.  I was a very young bride.  That marriage is dotted with three beautiful children, all girls, nicknamed Risa, Sarri and Panjee.  Six-and-a-half years later, in June 1969,  I left Ramon Tapales and found a job at Avellana & Associates, an advertising agency.  I took all my three daughters with me.

Let me tell you that it hurts to break your marriage.  It rocks you even if you know you cannot continue anymore.  You don't know how to deal with your pain.  You feel lost.  Your old friends shun you when they see you as a single but then the husband calls you later and asks you out on a date and you are shaken.  Why?  You wonder.  What does he think?

Soon after I ran into Roman Cruz, Jr., who told me he was unhappy with his wife.  Also he was very intelligent and our minds matched.  My marriage was already broken. I started to date him.  First error -- I dated a married man.  We dated for around two years.  Then I found myself pregnant with his child.   In June 1971 we decided to live together.  We had one son, Gino.

During this time Ramon Tapales, Jr. was dating Cory Quirino.  He got a Dominican Republic divorce from me and married her in Hongkong.  On December 15, 1977, Roman Cruz Jr. and I separated.  Now I realize we both underwent major mid-life crises. He turned 40, I turned 33 and we messed up our relationship royally so we separated.

Many years passed.  Did you read that?  MANY YEARS PASSED.  Maybe two or three years.  Then one day a close lady friend called me at the office and asked me if I had heard who Jun Cruz's new girlfriend was.  I said no and I also said I wasn't really interested.  She said I would definitely be interested.  It was Cory Quirino.

I thought that was a bad script.  I thought if one of my writers had given me that script I would have scolded her for being so tacky.  But it was real life.  What can one do?

Then the rumors began to fly again.  People said Ramon was Roman's woman-taster.  All sorts of tasteless things like that.  I am surprised however that this story is still on the net.  I think Jun and Cory got together in the 1980s and stayed together until the EDSA 1 revolution.  If that is the last important date then that happened 25 years ago.  That's how old this gossip is.  It is at least 25 years old.  Why is it still there?

These days I have reached the ending of the song.  I am 67 years old.  Roman A. Cruz. Jr. is dead.  Ramon Tapales, Jr. is 77 years old and happily married.  The principals in this play are all old.  The play has become definitely uninteresting.  The important thing to remember is that was life 25 years ago.

Searching for my blog site I came across a question addressed to a younger girl apparently nicknamed Tweetums also.  Why Tweetums?  someone asked and she had no real answer to give.  I have one.

My father read the book Seventeen, written by Booth Tarkington.  It is a genuinely silly book.  The main star is a young 17-year-old boy who meets this silly 15-year-old girl with whom he falls in love.  She talks baby talk.  She sees a cute sweet little dog and she says What a tootums tweetums wittle dog.  Well, my father fell in love with the word tweetums and gave it to me as my nickname.  My father died when I was six months old.  So my mother kept calling me Tweetums until I turned into a grandmother and shortened it to Twee.  So. . .

What'll I do with just a photograph to tell me troubles to?  I have my blogspot now.  Maybe I'll tell it to you.

When I'm alone with only dreams of you that won't come true, what will I do?


Sigh!  These days I will just sigh.